Thursday, April 28, 2005
A Quote from Sandman
"Have you ever been in love?
Horrible, isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your
heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.I hate love."
----
How true? Very.
----
And so you may be sure that the affair is over. And still feel a stabbing pain the area of your heart when someone mentions his name. You may have exorcised him from your life, and still feel a punch in the gut when you meet him accidentally. - Jessica Zafra
Maan @ 11:33 PM
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Forgetting
At the heat of the afternoon, I had lunch with Connie and Leng at Dencio's Paseo Center. Since they wanted to smoke, we stayed outside where the only things that cooled us down are the electric fan and our bottomless iced tea. So as much as I wanted to try to smoke a cigarette, I had to pass because the heat is already making me melt.
As usual, we mainly talked about our relationships with the men in our lives. How hard it is to forgive, let go, and move on.
The Connie said, "Maan, naisip kita kanina. Naisip ko na sana yung pagmamahal ni Red sayo, ganun din si Joven sa akin."
Then I asked Connie, "Mahirap ba talaga makalimot? Nakalimutan mo na ba yung ginawa ni Joven or naiisip mo pa rin?"
Connie replied, "Dati araw-araw kong iniisip. Ngayon, manhid na ako. Balewala na sakin."
Then I asked again, "So paano ba makalimot? Gaano katagal? Makakalimutan mo ba talaga?"
Then Connie told me something which very much enlightened me:
Mahirap talaga makalimot. Hindi yan agad-agad. Hindi mo rin masasabi kung gaano katagal bago mo makalimutan agad. Pero makakalimutan mo rin yan.
Bukas pag gising mo, maaalala mo sya. Sa susunod na araw, habang nag-tu-toothbrush ka, dun mo maaalala. Sa susunod naman, pagkatapos mo maligo. Hanggang sa matutulog ka na, dun mo lang maaalala. Hanggang sa once a month nalang. Hanggang sa hindi mo na sya maaalala. Or kung maalala mo man, sobrang paminsan-minsan nalang.
And for this, I salute Connie. Isa kang henyo.
Maan @ 11:27 PM
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Sunday, April 24, 2005
Driving my car
Driving. Stressful? Yes. Tiring? Yes. But it's definitely a whole lot better than riding tricycles and jeepneys, standing in line for more than an hour for the next van to come and bring you to Makati, or riding a bus and standing for an hour or so because it's rush hour.
So let me tell you about my first day of driving my car. It was so exciting!!! Sa sobrang excitement ko, 3AM na ako natulog at 9AM gising na ako. I was already texting Red, "San ka na? Pumunta ka na rito." Just so you know, I know how to drive. Hindi nga lang magaling. My officemate told me that I should enroll again in driving school. Mag-aaway lang daw kami ni Red pag sya nagturo sa akin. Pero nakakatamad na eh so I decided that for this weekend, I'll practice my driving skills with Red on the passenger seat to guide me.
Here's how it went:
At Lola's house where the car is parked...
Maan: Hon, ikaw na maglabas sa garahe.
M: Ok na yan. Dun ka na sa passenger. Ako na mag-da-drive.
Red: OK. So anung next mong gagawin.
M: Eh di drive.
R: Hinde! Yung hand break.
M: Oo nga naman.
Along Daang Hari...
Red: O! Kinakain mo yung daan!
Maan: Hindi kaya. Tatama na nga ako dito sa kanan eh.
R: Kinakain mo
M: Hindi ko kinakain! Ang laki-laki ng space noh. At nakikita ko yung lines ng daan sa side mirror ko. Hindi ako lumalampas!
After a few minutes...
Red: Kinakain mo na naman.
Maan napipikon na: Oo na! Oo na! Kinakain ko na! Nagugutom kasi ako!
R: Pilosopo ka pa. Makinig ka kaya sakin.
M: Kotse ko to. Baba! Joke joke joke!
By the way, I suffer from Biyahilo. Severe biyahilo. As far back as I can remember, Mama would bring a plastic bag for me whenever we go somewhere because 99 out of a 100, I'll be puking my guts out at the middle of the trip. The solution for my biyahilo was not Bonamine because it never existed during the 80s (tanda ko na!) but sleep or daydream. I would sleep all through out the trip. Or I would look out the window and daydream.
Thus sleeping and daydreaming while travelling became a habit. I rode the school bus from Paranque to Manila since I was in 3rd grade until I graduated high school. But if you were to ask me how to get to Manila from Paranaque and what roads to take, I wouldn't know because I was always sound asleep.
But for the past 2 years, rather than sleeping, I would turn on the built-in radio on my cellphone and listen to it for the whole trip. I sometimes forget that I am not alone and I laugh out loud over what Chico or Delamar just said or sometimes I sing out loud. Yung mga kasama ko, they'll look at me funny.
So what is the connection between these stories and my driving?
I drove all the way to SM Southmall from our house. Then I decided I wanted to go to BF Homes. So I drove from SM to BF. I sat on the driver seat and opened the radio and sang along to the songs being played. I totally forgot that I was driving and then I started daydreaming. Yosi nalang kulang ko. Then I heard Red shouting, "Break! Break! Break!" Naputol ang daydreaming ko. Red said, "Ano yan! Sabi ko break diba. Muntik na tayo mabangga!" And I saw the people inside the jeepney looking at me and shaking their heads and going, "Tsk, tsk, tsk!" Then Red said, "San ka ba nakatingin?" And I said, "Nowhere. I wasn't looking." I wasn't looking, I was daydreaming!
On our way home I decided that I had enough of driving and let Red take the wheel. He said, "Bagsak ka! Ang dami mong mali. Kinakain mo yung daan, di ka marunong bumawi, tumancha. Bottomline: You are not one with your car."
True.
But then again, it's still my car and tomorrow I'm going to drive it all the way to Makati.
Pero may kasamang driver.
Buti nalang insured ang kotse ko, may dual airbags, at may seatbelts. ;)
Maan @ 6:27 PM
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Saturday, April 23, 2005
Bahasa 101
Translate this for me:
Hanya tuhan tau gimana saya cinta kamu
Maan @ 12:28 AM
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Friday, April 22, 2005
Sa loob ng isang kutong busog
alam mo mayron akong pangarap sa buhay
sana matupad na
magda-drive ako hanggang Baguio
magda-drive ako hanggang Bicol
magda-drive ako hanggang Batangas
tapos magswi-swimming d'on sa beach
magda-drive ako buong taon
magda-drive ako habang buhay
magda-drive ako hanggang buwan
please please lang turuan nyo
akong magdrive
-- Eraserheads, Overdrive
I've been dreaming of having my own car for such a long time. Now that I have a car, it's very ironic that I can't even use it and it's just parked at my Lolo's garage and by tomorrow morning I still need to walk in my high heels and wait for a tricycle then wait in line for the shuttle and sleep or listen to the built-in radio on my phone for about an hour, depending on the traffic, just so I can get to my place of work.
Whew!
So my goal for the coming week is to practice driving so I can take my car wherever I go.
But while inside my new 'kutong busog', sitting on passenger seat while my boyfriend is driving my new car, I can't help but let my mind wander on the things which I may miss because I already have a car and the headaches which goes with having a car:
1. I cannot, for the life of me, sleep on my way to any place because I am the one behind the wheel. Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma. Paano na yan? Favorite ko pa naman ang matulog sa sasakyan because meron akong biyahilo.
2. I have no more excuse for needing to sleep over at Leny's place or any other friend's place because I can just drive home after my gimmick. That's another favorite thing which I need to let go of.
3. Rather than spend my extra cash on CANS for a manicure and pedicure or eating out for lunch, I'd rather save it for gas money. I'm going to miss just spending P40 for the shuttle which brings me exactly in front of our office building. Except nalang kung plano ko gawing pampaseherong-kotse ang City ko... baka kumita pa ako.
4. Say good bye to Red who brings me home every time we meet up. From now on, it's going to be the other way around. It would be me bringing him home.
5. I'm going to miss being fetched at the office by Glenn.
But then again, there are a dozen more reasons on why I want to have a car and dreamt of having one:
1. I can go anywhere I want...
2. Anytime I want!
3. Hello Tagaytay!
4. Hello Batangas!
5. Hello Subic!
6. Hello Baguio!
7. The malls which I visit will not be limited to SM Bacoor, SM Southmall, SM Makati, Festival Mall, Alabang Town Center, Glorietta, Greenbelt, or Landmark. Now I can go to Rockwell, SM Megamall, Robinson's, Greenhills, or Divisoria.
8. I will not be Cinderella anymore.
Maan: OK guys. 9:30 PM na. Tapusin nyo na mga kape nyo.
Don or Glenn: Ano ba Maan! Ang aga-aga pa uwian na. Mamaya ka na umuwi.
Maan: Ano kayo! Hanggang 10PM lang ang shuttle ko noh.
Don or Glenn: Wait lang. 10 minutes.
Maan: 10 minutes, 10 minutes. Pag wala na yung shuttle ko, ihatid nyo ko sa Cavite.
Don or Glenn: Ok. Uwian na tayo.
9. I can now listen to Chico & Delamar on the Morning Rush inside my own private space. I can laugh my heart out without people beside me thinking that I've gone crazy. But then again, matagal na pala akong baliw.
10. I can also listen to anything I want and not being at the mercy of bus songs or the kabaduyang songs which are being played over the favorite radio stations of drivers across the Philippines.
11. I will be saying good bye to commuting. Good bye Manong Tricycle Driver who refuses to stop even though he saw me wave at him. Good bye to the dispatcher at the Imus Terminal going to Makati who refuses to tell us where the next van is and what time it's going to come. Good bye to the taxi drivers na magugulang at namimili ng pasahero.
12. Good bye to everything which pisses me off when it comes to taking the public transportation. But we will meet again... kapag coding ako... o kaya pag nasa casa ang kotse ko kasi nabangga ko. Hahaha!!!
Gawd! I'm excited to drive!
But I promise I抦 not too far
when you抮e alone in your brand new car
driving your new black car
into the rain
Are you listening to the radio
are you driving down a city road
are you alone in your new black car
I imagine you there.
I'm sitting by the window here
the morning birds will reappear
and I feel empty
our songs are on the radio
you call me up but I have to go
and I'm sorry angel.
I'm sorry.
but I'll call you right back
I swear.
you think I left you there
alone with an empty chair
but I whisper your name
--July for Kings, New Black Car
Maan @ 12:43 PM
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Under The Mango Tree
Under The Mango Tree or UTMT as we fondly call our tambayan in front of the canteen was where most of our free time during our high school days were spent. I'm telling you, if that tree can only talk, it would be able to tell the stories it has heard from the Kulasas with the blue jumper and white-ruffled blouse who sat beneath its branches. It would tell of the laughter, joy, sorrow and tears. The fights and arguments as well as the acts of forgiveness and understanding.
UTMT was where we ate our lunch, shared stories, crammed for the upcoming quiz or long exam, did last minute revisions on our computations for algebra, chemistry, geometry, trigo and physics. It was where we racked our brains for our speech for debate class, rebuttals, and points to raise. The UTMT was where we poured out our teenage angst, kilig moments with crushes, as well petty heartaches which seemed like such a big deal in high scool and how we swore that we may never be able to recover from it. It was also where we opened our individual letters from the different universities we applied to. How we cried from disappointment when we failed (pag manipis ang envelope, bagsak!) and how we cried from joy when we passed (pag makapal yan, pasado!).
Under the UTMT was where we talked about our dreams, goals and aspirations. What we wanted to be after graduating from college. Where we made our forecasts on who will be the first to have a serious boyfriend, the first to lose her virginity, the first to get pregnant, the first to get married and as morbid as it may sound, the first one to die.
The UTMT was where we swore to each other that we will still be friends even after a 100 years.
It has been 9 years since I have last seen the Mango Tree where so much memories were made. In those 9 years, a lot of us have definitely come a long way in some areas in my life. It is hard to imagine that we were once little girls with jumper straps falling from one shoulder and the only kikay stuff that we know of is a comb. 9 years ago, our problems were just finishing our reaction papers, studying for an upcoming exam, or looking for a gown for the prom.
After 9 years....
... Maita is now married with a 3-year-old son, Zachary, who is the inaanak of the whole barkada. She is the first to get pregnant and get hitched. She is currently working for J&J in the R&D Department and she is proud to say that she is able to apply what she has learned in college to her current job. She is studying on how to be a Medical Transcriptioner.
... Nicole is now working for a call center near Macapagal Rd. even though she really does not need to work since her loving boyfriend can provide her with everything she needs. She is the only sibling who's still single which is a shock because I always thought that she will be the first person in our barkada to get pregnant and then get married. But for the record, she was the first to have ever entered into a live-in arrangement.
... Jeanne Anne has shifted from Med School to Nursing School. She still manages their hardware business while studying nursing. So a big applause to you, Jeanne! It's not easy to study and work at the same time. She's also very happy with her present boyfriend. She is the first in our barkada to sleep with a boyfriend she just had for a week.
... I, on the other hand, just got promoted in a company I have never thought I could get into. I am also in a relationship which has lasted for more than 4 years and counting. I do plan to settle down but maybe in 3 more years. I am the first to buy a brand new car.
After 9 years, dozens of batchmates have settled down, got pregnant, had kids, or even separated with their husbands. 2 of our batchmates already passed away. Dozens more are happy with their careers and what happened with their lives.
After 9 years, the five of us are still close friends who meet up with one another as much as our busy schedule would allow. After 9 years, a lot has changed but the important things in life such as friendship remain the same.
After 9 years, I think it is time to re-visit the Mango Tree.
Maan @ 12:35 AM
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