Sunday, June 26, 2005
I got lost and I can't see clearly
Last saturday, I got lost thrice.
First, I got lost on my way to Maita's house. I've been going to her place since I was in high school. But last saturday, I got lost. Literally. I was already driving along Pasong Tamo and I knew that I just needed to go straight and turn left as soon as I see Inquirer. But for some strange reason, I got totally confused and turned right at Bagtikan. I realized that I'm going the wrong way but it was too late. I reached Maita's place after about 15 - 20 minutes of driving around in circles because Makati is so full of one way streets!
I haven't seen Maita for the longest time. It was nice seeing her again and talking to her and telling her everything. It felt good. It was my therapy. I remember when we were in college, we would talk everyday on the phone. Every single day. We never ran out of things to say. I guess I have to say that Maita kept me sane. She would listen to me, she would give her advice if I ask for it, but she never really judged me. She just tells me and she still tells me, "Ganyan ka naman talaga eh." and I felt like she understood. Amidst all the chaos and confusion going on around me, I know that I have a friend I can run to.
Unfortunately, I had to leave because I had to go to Podium to have dinner with the Kutings for the birthday celebration of Jo, Claude and Vivian. On my way to Podium, I got lost again. Damn!
Ang dami kong nasayang na gas! Fortunately, I found my way again and I was in such a hurry because I didn't want to be late and I have been to Podium only once. Thanks to Karen and her directions, I got there on time. Went I got to UCC, Joanna, Ryan and Vivian were already there. After a few minutes of small talk, I told them, "Oo nga pala. Break na kami." And in unison, they all said, "ANO!!!". Their reaction was priceless and quite funny. Then Karen and Janice came followed by Claude and Abby. We had a wonderful time reminscing about my sinful college days while eating our equally sinful desserts...
Maan: Ganito ba ako nung college? Baliw? Psychotic?
Karen: Hindi naman. Konti lang.
Maan: Oo nga. Hindi naman ako nabaliw dun kay Mike diba? Di ko nga sya nababanggit eh. Di ko maalalang pinag-uusapan natin sya.
Karen: Anung hindi nababanggit? Eh imbis na mag-aral tayo sa conservatory, sya pinag-uusapan natin. Sino nga pala yung kinantahan ka...
Maan singing: What you need is somebody warm like me... Si Mike nga yun.
Karen: Tama! Somebody Warm Like Me.
Maan: Yuck! Oh well. Nabigyan naman nya ako ng cellphone so OK lang.
Karen: Yung cellphone mo na di mo alam kung paano hihinaan ang ringtone!
Maan: Oo nga! Thanks to Jo, nalaman ko kung paano.
We got to talk about my past cellphones and laugh about the stories about them. Ang first cellphone ko na Motorola na nagsa-skandalo dahil di namin alam kung paano hinaan ang ring volume. Ang Nokia 5110 ko na binili ng Papa ko para sa akin at nag-cut ako ng classes para makuha.
After cellphones, we got to talk about the bad news boys who came into my life which none of them obviously liked...
Karen: Naalala mo dati kumakain tayo sa Mcdo para lang makakuha ka ng raffle stub at manalo ng Revo na gusto mong gamitin para banggain si Prudence na Ex ni Joseph?
Maan: Hahaha! Oo, naaalala ko. Kadiri ah. As in di ko na maalala yung guy na yun noh. Kayo nalang nakakaalala.
Karen: Paano ba naman di namin maaalala? Ang psycho mo nun at tumaba kami dahil sa kabaliwan mo. Oo nga pala, sabi ko sa Achi ko virgin ka pa and wala naman nangyari sa inyo ni Chai.
Maan: Yuck talaga! Wala talagang nangyari. Shet nasusuka ako! Dapat lang sabihin mo sa Achi mo na virgin ako at walang nangyari samin ng lalakeng yon!
Karen: Pero ang pinakabaliw mo na ginawa is yung pinadala mo samin yung picture ng girlfriend ng crush mo at tinatanong mo kung maganda sya. Hindi nalang ako nag-comment kasi naaasar ako sayo! Hindi naman lahat physical noh.
Maan: Alam ko. Gusto ko lang malaman kung sino sa amin ang maganda. So maganda ba sya?
Karen: Hindi sya maganda ok. Simple lang.
Maan: Yes! Mas maganda ako sa kanya!
Karen: Hindi ko sinabi yun ah.
Maan: Ah ganon! Panget ako!
Karen: Hay Maan. Di ko sinasabi yan.
And we talked some more and reminsced about the past and thought about the future may bring us. We left UCC at around 11:30 PM. Thus I got lost for the third time that day. I had to ask for help from the guards/police roaming Ortigas on motorbikes to show me the way to Edsa so I can go home.
I got home at around 12:30AM, logged in to check my mail and my blog and I got to chat with Red for a short time. As usual, I can't help but feel sad and to cry about our current situation. Hopefully things will get better. I slept at around 2AM and I woke up past 12NN just to eat my lunch then I slept again. I watched some TV and read the book I borrowed from Tina titled "In her Shoes". While reading, I noticed that the letters are blurry and I can't seem to read the words. I had to wear my glasses so I can read. Right now I am wearing my glasses while making this entry.
I'm lost and I can't see clearly. I am confused and I don't know what I want or what I need. I know that I already have the things and the people I need to make me happy but it seems like I'm wanting the wrong things and the wrong people. My life, to an outsider, is quite good... almost perfect.
Quoting from someone I know, "Maan, ikaw ang gumagawa ng sarili mong multo at ako naman ang pumapatay para sa iyo."
You're right about one thing.
Ako gumagawa ng sarili kong multo. Pero hindi ikaw ang pumapatay para sakin. Ako rin naman. Kasi wala ka naman.'Do you wanna run away together?'
I would say it was your best line ever.
Too bad I fell for it...And I walked along,
Waiting for you to come along.
Take my tortured heart by the hand.
And write me off.
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...
You forced me to become strong.
And I just cried, being weak.
And you think you know.
And I would like to think so,
But do you know that when you go,I fall apart.
--- The Good Kind, The Wreckers
Maan @ 10:13 PM
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