Saturday, August 13, 2005
I can write a book or sing my life away
"Maan, you can write a book!"That was what Kartika used to tell me whenever I would go to her desk, pull a chair to sit beside her and exclaim,
"Karts! Guess what! May kwento ako sa'yo."In my 25 years of living, I cannot say that I have experienced it all. I also cannot say that my experiences are unique and one-of-a-kind. Truthfully, I am a late bloomer and everything I am going through right now has been experienced by almost everyone around me. So what they usually tell me whenever I tell them something new about me is,
"Been there, done that." But if I were to quote again Kartika, it would be,
"Been there, been that."Last weekend, I called up Jas to tell her that I've been crying my eyes out for nights on end. Sagot nya,
"Hay naku! Ganyan din ako dati. Sa sobrang iyak ko nakabuo na ako ng swimming pool." I can always count on Jas to make my problems seem petty and trivial and to find the humor in it by comparing it to her experiences which during the time she was experiencing them, I deemed petty and trivial.
As of today, I feel so sad that I feel as if I can write a whole book about my sadness and misery. But then again, I am sure that no one will buy that book. Before, when I had the luxury of watching Maalaala Mo Kaya, I would tell Mama,
"Ma, padala kaya natin life story natin." Then she would reply,
"Naku! Ang corny-corny ng buhay natin. Hindi interesting. Hindi tayo mapipili para sa Maalaala." I guess she's right.
But of course since I am the one with a problem and I am the one who's miserable, I want the whole world to listen to me and be miserable with me. Like they say, misery loves company.
Yan na naman ako. Being selfish and self-centered.
I remember Trexyl singing in the cab, on our way back to the office from our lunch at Gerry's Grill,
"Walang sino man ang nabubuhay para sa sarili lamang. Walang sino man ang namamatay para sa sarili lamang."We laughed about it. Even the cab driver was laughing. But deep down I was hurting because I know it's true. I have been selfish. I have been unkind. I have been self-centered. Pero tao lamang ako. Nagkakamali, natutukso, nagkakasala.
So Trexyl sings again,
"Dibaaaaa.... ako'y tao lang na nadadarang at natutukso rin...." Hiram by Zsa Zsa Padilla? How appropriate.
In class, I cannot help but ask for advice from my close friend, Joe. Joe, the guy who was two-timed by his girlfriend of 3 years. He caught his girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend, cozying up to another guy when he visited her in UST to surprise her for their 3rd anniversary. Yes. I asked for advice from this guy because I wanted brutal honesty and the bitter truth.
"Joe! Joe! Bakit ganun? Kasalanan ko. Nagsisisi ako. Anung gagawin ko?"Then a classmate exclaimed from the background, "Dear Joe... Maan, love problem ba yan? Tamang-tama. Tanung mo kay Joe." Joe D Mango? Hindi rin.
Joe had his laptop. While typing something, he told me,
"Give it time, Maan. Nasaktan mo sya. If the two of you are meant to be, then it will happen. If not, then it won't. Only time can tell. So here is my song for you..."Sabay play ng mp3 ng Tell Me Where It Hurts by MYMP."I'm sorry pero ayoko ang song na yan. I think the more applicable song would be..."Then I started singing, while using my bottle of Coke Light as a microphone,
"Kung liligaya kaaaa..... sa piling ng iba....... at kung ang langit moooooooo.... ay ang pag-ibig nya....."Yes, I am a horrible, horrible singer. I believe I am tone deaf. I love music but it does not love me. While in the middle of my horrible singing, Thea (who is supposed to be a good friend of mine) commented on my singing,
"Naku. Hindi pa lasing yan. Hintayin natin pag nalasing."----Sa totoo lang, walang halong biro, nalulungkot ako ngayon. But I just have to find the humor in my daily life inspite of the sadness and the misery. If I don't, I just might go crazy.
I recently talked to a friend and told him about my dilemma.
He told me, "If you love him then fight for it."
How ironic because I was the one who used to tell him that. To fight for it if he thinks she's worth the fight.
But would you still continue fighting in a losing battle?
Maan @ 12:20 PM
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